Post link 01 November 2014, 7:14
October 17, 2014 — Is there any more worthy than the great female elephant?!

Robert and Grace Mugabe. Zimbabwe is a dynasty; we vote but we really know what’s indigenous to us is a monarchy. Grace has described herself as a modest “queen”. Photo AP

All hail Grace, the doctor who didn’t have to denigrate corpses into ‘cadavers’ and mutilate them to earn a doctorate. That degree is not an insult to everyone who ever walked the halls of UZ and earned a degree, think of it as a glowing endorsement, and in the words of those unpatriotic bastards from Zambezi News: ‘you are honoured’.

Mrs Mugabe’s story must be told, she is a most remarkable individual. She is our own personification of the mythological phoenix, she has risen from a simple secretary to a contender for the throne (like her husband, Joshua Nkomo’s underscore who cut his tutor under his feet). Mrs Mugabe has defied Western standards and showed that we as Zimbabweans, as Africans should set our own standards, unlike Kenyatta who is trying to be a modern day black Jesus, walking to his own slaughter. Despite University of London labelling her the worst student to ever enrol there and flunking her because she is Mugabe’s wife (she couldn’t fail a subject as simple as English with a knight of the Realm for a personal tutor), she picked herself up and like a true genius earned a PhD in Philosophy before even getting an undergraduate qualification. All hail the lioness!

Mrs Mugabe is an exemplary leader, with morals
Where are those naysayers who were saying Chatunga takes after his mother when he flunked his grade seven examinations? I have heard a certain Aston say in Zimbabwe mediocrity is not just a standard anymore, it’s what we strive for because people need to be paid to do the jobs they are paid to do…like the police…but Mai Mugabe has turned that around, she is a genius and the University has acknowledged it, let it be known this day forth that genius and not mediocrity will be rewarded!

Last week the paper said she refused a ten million dollar bribe. That is true leadership, no, it’s not because they, the Mugabes, have looted millions and possibly billions and have no more need for excess millions, it’s because she is an uncompromising leader, with morals, she would never lie to us; her daughter was a virgin until marriage, contrary to 2008 reports that she had been date-raped in Malaysia. Mrs Mugabe is an exemplary leader, with morals, she refused that bribe, it wasn’t staged, she didn’t have to be modest about it, she had to tell us because when you are a strong leader everyone has to know it, that amidst all this corruption there is one, a beacon, to take over from where her glowing partner left off, a true champion of human rights and democracy and the welfare of the nation, though Western sanctions and machinations try to undermine the sovereignty of Zimbabwe. After all, we all know Mrs Mugabe does not like flashy things, why would anyone try to bribe her, why on earth did they think it would work?

It’s very unfortunate that the West has crippled Zimbabwe so much that the average Zimbabwean lives on two dollars a day and a newspaper costs half of that. So those who can afford to get into the CBD rely on captions but we don’t have to know what the bribe was for, or who it was from, all we need to know is that she refused it, our strong and resolute leader, crafted from the same material as our benevolent president.

Don’t believe what you read about our immortal leader’s health. Robert Mugabe is as fighting fit. He has the energy of a nine year old. He liberated us, all on his own in the bush like John Rambo, brandishing his Kalashnikov. Photo: AP

You were wrong America, about regime change. Zimbabwe is a dynasty, we will bow beneath the female elephant, this is Africa; we vote but we really know what’s indigenous to us is a monarchy, that’s why Gadhafi went for four decades before you…you…you scum overthrew a legitimate leader! Bob liberated us, all on his own in the bush like John Rambo, brandishing his Kalashnikov and killing white men like Baygon taking out cockroaches. It’s unfortunate that commanders like Josiah Tongogara died during the ceasefire, they would have attested to his martial prowess.

Even those who fought during the war will back the female elephant. There is no queue for the presidency, no, for thirty-four years we have supported Sir Robert Mugabe (even if England takes away his knighthood he is still our hero) and we will still, all the generals in the army, there is no Pompey, no other suitor to the throne , all hail Grace full of grace!

In Zimbabwe mediocrity is not just a standard anymore, it’s what we strive for
Even if it means the whole news bulletin will be about her, the commercials congratulatory messages from parastatals and the police on her attaining her PhD, we will do it, for our great lioness. It’s not propaganda, she deserves it, in fact, if it’s not about her it’s not newsworthy! Our great elephant is campaigning already, regardless of the fact that we voted only last year, because she knows that people are not only important during election times. She loves us, genuinely. The president’s health has nothing to do with it, he is fine, didn’t you hear the Police Commissioner, Augustine Chihuri say they were exercising and Bob outlasted him a week before he (Chihuri) passed out at the Pass-out Parade? It wasn’t because the commissioner was wearing different shoe sizes, we manufactured that story so you would not be blinded by the dazzling awesomeness of Bob: he is so awesome if you work out with him you will faint from fatigue…a week later!

We repeat, the president is in good health. Stop spying on his planes and their Oriental stopovers. He just goes to the hospital because anyone who cares about their health should visit regularly, and as the head-of-state he should visit more regularly than regularly. We have heard you say at his age it’s a miracle if he gets up in the morning, we are here to tell you that he is immortal. You didn’t have to know that but you pushed us. We are not idiots, the party that endorsed him at his age is not a club of idiots. Despite his immortality, he believes in giving others chances, so he is letting his wife run for the presidency, so bow down and act like you know!

We continue to live in a state of limbo, if the president wakes up in the morning it’s a miracle, we have no currency and there is no way to calculate a trajectory into the future. Right now the law of Jack Sparrow is in motion, take what you can and give nothing back. We don’t trust banks with our money justly. The level of mediocrity here is appalling, in fact, the only thing we are rising at is becoming a consumer of foreign products. It’s actually mostly a political problem, bad relations and wild decisions that interfere with the economy. With our levels of education, the creativity and innovation on the street it’s hard to imagine how we are still in these doldrums.

You Lie Because You Are Scared